The Path Through Pet Grief and Loss with Dr. Sierra Trainor
On this milestone episode (the first show since we turned 1 year old!) the podcast brings you our first guest expert interview. We are honored to be joined by Dr. Sierra Trainor, a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida who also provides tele-psychology in PsyPact participating states. She specializes in pet grief and loss and will be sharing her expertise with us.
Here are some of the areas we explore:
How pet loss is unique
The types of bonds we form with our pets
Coping with pet loss and grief
Support for pet grief and loss
Ideas for honoring the memory of our dearly departed and beloved pets
Pet grief and loss can be a delicate topic, so please use your own discernment if right now is a good time for you to explore this topic with us.
If you are interested in learning more about Dr. Sierra Trainor, you can visit her website, drsierratrainor.com, or follow her on Instagram: @dr_trainor
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Keep scrolling for the full transcript in case you want to dive into the details!
Hello and welcome! You're listening to the PsycHope Self-Help Podcast, a space for women where psychology illuminates paths to healing hope and personal growth. I'm Dr. Jennifer McManus, a clinical psychologist, and I'll be your host. Each episode, we'll explore a different way to use psychology to enhance emotional wellness. Hope you enjoy the show.
Welcome back!
It's episode 35, and it's a milestone episode around here for a couple of reasons. One being, this is the first episode since the podcast had our first birthday. The PsycHope Self-Help Podcast actually turned one year old on December 8th.
That's the date when we published our first episode in 2022. The second reason for this being a significant episode is because we're having our first guest today. I'm so honored to announce that we'll be joined by Dr. Sierra Trainor. She's a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida. I'm proud to have her as my colleague, and know I'm lucky to call her my friend. We will be discussing a delicate topic today.
I know sometimes we get podcasts going on autoplay, so just in case you didn't catch the title of this episode before tuning in, I want to give you a trigger warning. We will be discussing grief and loss, pet grief and loss in particular, so please check in with yourself and use your own discernment if right now is a good time for you to explore what can be a topic at times with us. If you're ready to join us, let's start the show.
I am here today with Dr. Sierra Trainor. I am so excited. You're our very first podcast guest.
Thank you so much for being here. Absolutely. Thank you for having me.
It's an honor. I did give a quick introduction to you, Dr. Trainor, but could you please tell our listeners a little bit about you, your professional background, the work you do in the world? Absolutely.
I am a Florida licensed psychologist. I've been licensed as a psychologist for almost 10 years now. I've been working in the mental health field for well over 17 years.
I had founded a telehealth private practice that's called Elements Psychological Practice. I see a variety of individuals with a variety of presenting concerns, but one of the special areas of interest that's really near and dear to my heart is pet loss and grief. I really value and love helping people along their grief and healing journeys.
It's such an important topic, and I'm so glad that's what we're going to get into today. Am I remembering correctly too that you are not only licensed and based in Florida, but you also have that PSYPACT certification? Yes, I do.
Just like you.
Just like you, able to see people in all of the PSYPACT states, which is most of the states now. Yeah. It's almost 40 states across the country.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Wonderful. I know this topic is really important to me, and I'm so glad that you're here to share your expertise with our listeners. Why is the topic of pet grief and loss so important to you, so near and dear to your heart?
Yeah, absolutely. That's a great question. I'm a huge animal lover.
I'm towards animals and gravitating towards nature. I currently have seven cats and a dog, so I live in a zoo, essentially. All of my pets are rescues, and I get a lot of fulfillment out of volunteering at local animal shelters and various animal rescue organizations.
Then when I opened my telehealth practice, I really spent a lot of time thinking about how can I integrate my love for animals with my love for psychology. At the same time, I started really doing my own research into how to cope with pet loss. I've lost several near and dear pets of mine, and I'm also experiencing some anticipatory grief with one of my elderly cats.
I was doing some of my own research on how to cope and then really seeing how can I integrate my love for pets with psychology. It really just came to me. I can specialize in this area.
It's such a needed topic. There's not enough focus, in my opinion, on pet loss and grief. That's what I decided to do, and it's been such a meaningful journey ever since.
It sounds like it. I know you have heard me say this before, but I want to share it with my listeners. I've joked around in the past that if I am ever reincarnated, I would like to come back as one of Sierra's animals.
She takes such good care of them. Thank you. I do remember you saying that.
It's very meaningful to me. I certainly try. I do my best.
Grief is one of the most challenging life events we can go through. Regular listeners of my podcast will recall I've reviewed different stressful life events we can go through. We have that scale in our field that rank orders 43, I think it is, stressful life events.
Loss is up there, different types of loss in the top 10. My heart really goes out to you as well with the anticipatory grief that you're experiencing. I know how hard it is when we have one of our elderly fur babies going through some things.
I so appreciate that. I know that's something that is near and dear to your heart as well with your little guy. Your loss resonates with me as well.
I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Oh, thank you. The podcast was on an unexpected hiatus over the summer.
It was due to the loss of my sweet little Maltese. I know we both understand how hard it can be. Yes.
How is pet loss different than other types of grief and loss? That's such an important question because there are a lot of similarities in terms of how we can feel and just how immensely painful it is. But there are some key ways that pet loss is a little unique from other forms of losses.
One is society. Our society does not recognize pet loss as important as other kinds of losses. We don't have the built-in rituals.
So if we reflect on a human family member who has passed away, there's memorial services, there's people bringing food, there's that kind of support. We don't have those built-in rituals for our pets unless we create them ourselves. If we also think about workplace, some workplaces have bereavement leave.
That doesn't usually tend to apply to pets. So it's not a topic that gets enough focus and isn't recognized as important as other kinds of losses. And what's really interesting is that the research is very clear that the pain of losing a companion animal is just as painful as losing a human.
In fact, sometimes it's even more so because of the nature of the relationship that we have with our pet. So that's one way that it's incredibly different. Yeah.
Yeah. It's so hard. Here we are thinking about just needing to heal.
And it's not even accepted in many workplaces to ask for that time off. And yet it's hitting us just as hard. Yes, exactly.
Yes. So that's one key way that it's different than other kinds of grief. Another way is the nature of the relationship.
So our pets, we know this, and I'm sure your listeners know this if they have pets, our pets love us unconditionally. Our relationships with our human loved ones are usually a little more complicated, right? Yes.
With our pets, it's just pure love and pure joy. We can show up exactly as we are exactly who we are and our pets accept us unconditionally. So when that beloved companion of ours is no longer there, it's very significant and very painful.
So true. That's so true. What else have you noticed that's different when it comes to pet grief and loss?
There's a different role that we play in the relationship. We are their perpetual caregivers. We care for them the entirety of their lives, not like children who ideally, hopefully, grow up and leave the nest.
Our pets don't. And so they don't tell us in words when it's time to go. I mean, we can be very attuned to our pets and pick up on other ways that they're communicating with us, but we can't tell them in words and they can't tell us in words when it's that time.
We make that decision ourselves and with the consultation with our vet team. So that's a very heavy burden to carry. Humans have the ability to speak.
So we're able to hopefully, not in all cases, but hopefully have a little bit of closure. And that's a little harder to do with pet loss. So we can find ourselves if we made the choice to euthanize, which I call the final act of love, we can give.
And so if we have that opportunity to do that, we're often asking ourselves, did I make the right choice? Was it too soon? Was it too late?
And all of these questions can play out in our minds because we were responsible for their decision. Ideally, there are of course, cases where pets get lost and we're not sure what happened. There may have been a tragic accident.
So there's all different ways, but we are their perpetual caregivers. So those are really the three main ways that pet loss is different than other kinds of losses. I really appreciate you elaborating on that for us.
Those are some significant differences for sure. Especially what you point out here at the end, they're always our fur babies. Even when they get elderly, they're still little babies.
Yes.
It's really interesting the research, which shows that 70% of households have a pet and upwards of 75% view their pet as a family member. And 57%, according to the research shows that people can even prefer their pet over a human. So when we lose these family members, when we lose our fur babies, it's just so incredibly painful.
So this topic is definitely something that deserves more attention. Some of the challenges, some of the differences that you mentioned, it sounds like it might be getting better. Maybe we have a direct supervisor who is in this percentage of pets or family, and maybe they'll be a little more lenient with our PTO and things like that.
So what do you think there? Is it getting maybe a little better? Are there some glimmers of hope?
I think so. It's interesting you bring that up because I recently found out from a colleague that some EAP programs are starting to have pet loss be something that's covered. So there is some more recognition.
There's more and more support groups available for people who are going through loss or anticipatory grief, like Lap of Love has wonderful ones. Rainbow Bridge has wonderful resources. So I think that we're recognizing the importance of integrating pets and really memorializing them and really recognizing them as family members.
And we still have a ways to go, I think. Yeah. Yeah.
So true. That's amazing though that EAP programs are covering it. Wonderful.
That is progress. That's so good. Yes.
So in the research that you've seen on how so many people do consider their pets to be a family member, how does that show up? I know you heard me refer to my little Maltese as my fur baby, but how does the literature seem to capture these experiences we have? So I love that you asked this question and there is some research that looks at different types of bonds that pet lovers have, that pet owners have with their pets.
And these are conventionally bonded, intensely bonded, and uniquely bonded. Yeah. Can you break those down for us?
Absolutely. So conventionally bonded animal lovers consider their pets members of their families, but they don't necessarily give their pets the same status that they do for their human family members. So they provide loving homes and are responsible and caring for their pets, but losing their pet is not a major source of grief or a major source of trauma for them.
They may experience some grief over the loss, but people in this category usually tend to recover more quickly than those in the other bonded groups. Yeah. And intensely bonded, can you tell us about that?
Yes. So pet parents who are intensely bonded, they regard their pets as integral members of the family. So they're really forming these deep emotional attachments to their pets and provide them with the same level of care they would provide any family member.
And they may think of their companion animal as like a surrogate child, things like that. So obviously with intensely bonded pet owners, it can be usually a very long grieving process and a much greater sense of personal loss. Yeah.
And the uniquely bonded? Yeah. Uniquely bonded, these are people with the deepest level of attachment to their companion animals.
They may provide very extravagant care and attention as they can within their resources. They may prefer the company of their pets to that of other humans. And they may refer to their pet by names like my best friend, my soul pet.
That's exactly how I feel with my little cat Kister. And referring to them in those types of terms, maybe my son or my daughter. So this is the loss of an incredibly close companion.
And this is just beyond devastating and the grief may last for a very long time. Yeah. So here we are losing our fur baby so close to us, a soul mate, right?
And we don't have the usual supports, usual rituals aren't there. The gifts of food, like when we lose a family member, people checking in on us. And I will say, I want to validate experiences for people out there who have had a significant loss of the human type as well, that that also tapers off.
There's a lot of outpouring of support at the beginning, but it also tapers off while we're still going through the stages of grief. But here we are without, in most cases, getting that level of support. Yes, absolutely.
And I love how you brought up about people who may be listening who lost people as well. Even if there are some of those rituals that are built in, you're absolutely right. It's for a short period of time.
And then the world keeps turning, people go back and then you're still stuck in this immense grief and the world around you is still just turning. And that's so painful for people who have lost humans and also for people who lost pets. And to your point with what you just said about the, we're losing a soul mate and then we don't have the rituals built in unless we bring them ourselves, incorporate them ourselves.
We can often experience people in our lives who are well intended, but the impact of what they're saying lands pretty terribly. So I have often heard from people and I've experienced myself, Oh, it was just a cat. Oh, it was just a dog.
Oh, it's been two weeks. You're not feeling better yet. You're still not ready to come to this.
Oh, the shelter is just full of pets who need love. You can go get another one. These things that usually people are well-intended, not always of course, but usually it's coming from people who mean well, but they don't understand the loss.
So those types of things can just be incredibly triggering and even re-traumatizing in some cases when we've lost a piece of our soul. So I wanted to recognize that as well, because you brought up such an excellent point and for listeners who have experienced that. Yeah.
And I can see how we might even start thinking that way. Sure. We internalize that.
Yeah. Or that maybe there's something wrong with the level of emotional pain we're going through if we keep hearing these messages of, well, it's just a dog, just a cat. Right.
Absolutely. We do get inundated with those messages and it's not helpful to our grieving and it's not helpful for our healing. And so when things like that come up, I often recommend that people know what their boundaries are and know what, maybe if there are people who mean well, but they're saying things that aren't very helpful, maybe that might take a step back from them for a period of time.
Also how you can communicate your needs, right? Because we also can't expect people, especially people who don't understand this kind of loss that we're experiencing, we can't expect them to read our minds and know exactly what to say or how to say it. So letting them know, hey, I really care about you.
Thank you for being there for me. This is what's going to be helpful for me. This is what I need at this point.
So having those conversations and then again, letting yourself take a step back as needed. Yes. I think that's going to be really helpful for our listeners since this is a self-help podcast.
That's something that we can take away and put into our own lives if we're struggling with this type of loss. I think this would be a great time to go a little deeper into the grief work that you do as a licensed psychologist. So can you walk our listeners through a little bit about what it's like to work with a therapist with pet grief and loss?
Sure. Absolutely. So I think that a big part of the work is holding space, having that space for people to be able to talk about their pet and honor their pet with someone who gets it, right?
Someone who understands grief and ideally someone who understands pet loss and grief. So really holding that space is crucial. I think a psychoeducation piece is incredibly important as well.
There's a lot of myths surrounding grief that we have to move in these exact stages. And if you're not in this stage and you feel this way, and what if you feel multiple things and we can have a lot of shame that's built into the process. And if anyone can hear where this is a pet loss topic, my dog Noodle, back there barking.
Yes.
Yes. Please excuse. Yes.
He's helping out. He is. For our listeners who might not be familiar with that term psychoeducation, can you tell us what do you mean when you describe psychoeducation?
Sure. So just a little bit of education, a little bit of information about what grief is, what grief isn't, because that helps to normalize it. Because again, there's a lot of myths in our society.
And I'll even say that our society as a whole tends to be pretty death avoidant and pretty grief avoidant. So we live in a society where we all have this shared experience of grief, we're all going to face our own mortality, we all are going to lose someone yet we don't really know in this society here in the United States, which is what I'm referring to, we're not great at being grief literate. So with that comes a lot of avoidance.
With that comes a lot of myths about grief. So psychoeducation is really just breaking down what grief is, and what grief isn't to help normalize and validate.
Yeah.
One of the things I like to say is that there's no timeline to grief. Grief is not linear, it's not going down one slope on a steady way, it's going to pop back up and we might have periods of re-grief. I also like to share how grief is very unique for each person, everybody grieves differently, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve.
Let yourself talk and cry as much as you need to. And again, grief doesn't go away, it stays with us, but over time, it changes shape, it feels different, and it becomes easier to carry. It does become easier to carry.
And I remember you shared something really helpful with me when I was going through my losses as my friend and colleague, of course, if I didn't already know Sierra as a friend and colleague, she would be my first choice for a therapist. But I think you shared a quote with me that grief is just love with nowhere left to go. Yes, yes.
Or with nowhere to go. Yeah. Absolutely.
Yes, yes. Grief is love with nowhere to go, and with great grief comes great love, and with great love comes great grief. Absolutely.
Yeah.
Since you were highlighting how our culture is a bit grief avoidant, I'm guessing that that might show up in our field too, that there aren't a whole lot of psychologists or therapists out there specializing in grief loss. What have you noticed with that? That is such a great point.
And it's so true. Even when we look back into graduate school, right? There may have been one or two courses on aging and on death and dying that we may have taken, but not necessarily a core curriculum, not a core, multiple component courses for something that we all experience, right?
So it's really for your listeners who are interested in possibly finding someone who focuses on, who specializes in grief, really asking what training they've done, what postgraduate training they've done in grief, because, yeah, absolutely. It shows up in our field as well. That's such a great point.
Yeah, yeah. And I know that you take your training and education quite seriously. So anyone going to see you is going to be in very good hands.
So can you walk us through a little bit more what that experience of grief work with a therapist might look like? Maybe we can start with a little bit about early grief. So if people are coming in having recently and what I think of recently and early grief, maybe being six months or so.
So maybe we can start with that kind of grief and then delve into a few things. That would be so helpful. Yeah.
Okay. So early grief, again, there's not an actual definition of how long that timeframe is. I generally think of it for about six months following the loss.
But early grief is such a surreal time. Our brains aren't able to wrap itself around the fact that our pet is no longer here. It's incomprehensible that that loving companion is no longer here.
So with early grief, I think it's really important to let yourself feel your grief, be with your grief. I like to say to my clients, the only way through it is through it. If you don't let yourself be with it, it will follow and it can come out in other ways.
So it's important to let yourself externalize your grief, meaning let it out and not keep it in. And during early grief, especially, I recommend really first taking inventory of your foundation. So your foundation, those are things like, how are you eating?
How are you sleeping? Are you isolating yourself or are you being around people? Are you getting some movement in?
These core foundational parts. What happens when we grieve, our bodies are under more stress. When our bodies are under more stress, we're pumping out more stress hormones.
And if we aren't taking care of the vessel that houses the grief, keeping the vessel that houses the grief strong.
the more stress hormones are just pumping out. And then we're just kind of compounding the issue, we're making ourselves feel even worse. So really taking inventory of those foundational pieces.
Now, are you going to feel like eating? Most likely, no. Are you going to be sleeping well?
Most likely, no. Are you going to feel like getting out and getting some exercise? Most likely, no.
But thinking about what might be one thing you can do every day. I sometimes suggest come up with two, pick one. We don't want to overwhelm ourselves too much, but do something that is in service to our foundation.
For example, let's say you don't feel like eating, you feel like you want to throw up. I can personally relate to that when I've lost pets of mine. So then can you make a smoothie with some healthy ingredients, some fruit, some protein powder, whatever it might be.
So you're getting in some nutrients to kind of put a damper a little bit on those additional stress hormones pumping out. So that's what I recommend with early grief. Yeah.
When you're describing these foundational matters, I couldn't help but think a lot of them are actually connected to things we would do with our fur baby, right? Movement. If it's a dog, we're out walking our dog.
Sleep. I don't know if you have any data on like how many parents would have their fur babies, you know, sleeping with them. So here's another area where our sleep, that comfort that we would experience through touch, right?
That's different. So that might be impacting our sleep as well. Such great points.
Absolutely. So we could be trying to do a few of those things and then it's just a reminder. How am I going to go out and get some exercise?
I would walk with my dog and now my dog's not here. I'm used to sleeping with my little cat here. He's not here.
Yeah.
So right. So I would suggest maybe focusing on finding ways to bring in some comfort. So if focusing on some of those foundational pieces feels a little too new and triggering, how can you bring in some comfort?
What are small things you can do every day? And we're not looking for big, huge things. All micro moments where you might experience a little bit of comfort.
And just like with the foundation, choose two and pick one so that that can be helpful. Yes. That sounds super helpful.
What are some other things that you'd like our listeners to know about grief work? One of the things that I do with my clients, and I would invite those listening who this topic resonates with the goal of grief work is not to make the grief go away, but the goal is to help increase our capacity to cope. So I ask my clients and I would encourage listeners to ask themselves these two questions.
One on a scale of one to 10, what is your level of grief? And on a scale of one to 10, what is your capacity to cope? Track this over time.
It can be really helpful and healing to see your journey over time in that concrete way with those numbers. You'll probably find that over time, that first number might not change too much, the level of grief, but the second one, your capacity to cope that might go up a little bit. So that's something that I like to encourage people to do.
I also suggest keeping in mind that if you're feeling a lot of intense guilt, if you're feeling regret, if you're feeling anger, those are such normal emotions. And I like to say they're kind of baked into the grief cake. And we want that do over and our minds can start racing.
So I like to suggest that people tell themselves, don't shut all over myself. We should have done this. We should have done that.
We should not have done this. We should not have done that. If you find yourself doing that a lot, it could be helpful to ask yourself a few clarifying questions.
You can ask yourself, what did I do during my pet's life that I'm proud of? Right? Ask yourself that because when you stop and you ask yourself that, it can take away from just that last day or that last week, whatever was that really tough time and remind yourself of the whole lifespan that you've had with your pet.
And then you can also ask yourself, given the resources I had at the time, the knowledge that I had at the time, the resources I had at the time, would I have done anything different? Right? So asking yourself a few of those clarifying questions can often be helpful whenever you're trying to work through some of these challenging baked in experiences and emotions.
Yeah. We are so vulnerable to the shoulds, to the what ifs, the if onlys, all that bargaining that we can get into. And then if we're not able to eat well, get nutrients in our body, if we're not sleeping well, that makes us even more vulnerable to like really speeding ourselves up.
So I really see the importance here of these clarifying questions. How helpful to walk us through what some of those might be. Yeah, absolutely.
I'd also like to share that with time, when you're ready, starting to integrate the loss can be really helpful. So what do I mean by that? That's basically building a new relationship with your pet who's no longer here in this physical form, because the relationship never dies, because the love never dies.
So how do we do that? We can do that through journaling, through mementos, keeping the memory of your pet alive. And this is where some of the rituals can come in, which is really a way to have a continuing relationship or a bond with our deceased pet.
What are some ideas of how we could do that? I love that. I can share something personal.
When last November, my beloved hound, Mr. Mups, died, and it happened pretty suddenly, even though he was elderly. And my husband and I, when we got back his ashes, his favorite place was a dog park in the area. And so we went there, and we scattered some of his ashes.
And we had quiet moments to ourselves reflecting on his time there. We also rode our bikes along every single path that we ever walked Mr. Mups in the six plus years that he was with us. And we were bringing up memories during that time.
So Mr. Mups also vacations with us in the mountains. Yeah. And when I went recently, I brought a piece of him with me.
I took ashes in a little mini urn, and he was right there with me. He was joining me on every single adventure. Thank you so much for sharing those really personal stories of how you've been able to keep that relationship strong.
Exactly. The relationship continues to be strong and continues to live. And this is going to be unique for each person.
Really thinking about how can you honor your pet? Some people even still have conversations, right? If they say goodbye to their pet when they left, they'll say goodbye now.
So it's really finding ways to integrate that loss and form a new relationship in this different reality. Yes, yes. I'm not sure if this ties in, but because you are such an expert on all things, pets, I know I reached out to you when I had some extra like really high quality food that I didn't want to have go to waste.
And so contributing in, in different ways, you had recommended, you know, a shelter I could bring the bring the food to that would really benefit from it. So can you tell our listeners a little bit about that piece as well? Yes.
Thank you so much for bringing that up because that's such, that can be such an important part, that meaning making. So if you do have some items like you did, Jennifer, with the food, if you have things that you can donate only when you're ready, that's the caveat I have. Only when you're ready volunteering, fostering, you could make a donation in your pet's name to a particular organization.
So you are honoring the memory and the relationship of your pet by helping other pets who need it. And that's so important. I love that you brought up the word contributing because we know from the research, what contributing something, volunteering, giving something of ourselves to others, how much that has on our own emotional well-being.
Yes, absolutely. So rewinding back to something you said at the beginning of our interview, you mentioned you're going through some anticipatory grief. Can you tell our listeners, of course, you don't have to go into your own personal experience, but just what is anticipatory grief?
What's that like? What's involved there? Yeah, absolutely.
So anticipatory grief is when we are grieving the upcoming loss of a pet. So this could be for any number of reasons. This could be if we have an elderly pet who we know is really getting up there in age, a pet who has some kind of terminal illness, a pet who had some sort of traumatic accident, like was hit by a car or something, and the life expectancy has now decreased.
Any number of factors like that go into anticipatory grief. And I like to say that this is a train that we're on that we can't stop. And it's so sad.
So what I find generally can be helpful is I like to tell clients, knowledge is power. Work with your vet, work with your vet team so that you know what to expect and you know what quality of life looks like and what it doesn't look like. That can be really helpful.
There's sadness, but there's also comfort in knowing that you are doing all you can to support your pet. Yes. I would also suggest, and I'm guilty of this on a near daily basis, when you're dealing with anticipatory grief, you can find yourself really getting hypervigilant.
Every move your pet makes, every move they don't make, oh no, is today the day? What does this mean? Do I need to go to the vet?
Taking a moment to calm down a little bit and being in the present moment. We can find ourselves saying things like, oh, this might be the last Thanksgiving we have with our pet. Oh, this is going to be the last Christmas.
So what I suggest people think about doing when they find themselves happening is tell yourself a little mantra. Mine is, this is not helpful for me right now. And then I make an intentional choice to be in the present moment.
Take a lot of photos, a lot of videos. You're going to appreciate having them in the future. And remind yourself, our pets live in the present, right?
Our pets don't dwell in the past or dwell in the future. They are right here. They are very mindful beings, right?
We could learn a lot from them. So that's an important lesson for us too. Yes, that's so helpful.
And drawing on the expertise that our vet team has for us, when our thoughts can go in different places, when we're hypervigilant, what does this mean? Oh my goodness. I mean, I'll share a little bit.
I was scheduling a lot of appointments. And I remember at one point my vet was, it was like some digestion issues. And I remember my vet was just like, I think the next time I'd like the two of you to try to just work through this.
She didn't think I needed to be scheduling that appointment. So, but we just want to give the best possible care. And when we can be vulnerable to beating ourselves up mentally, right?
Well, what did the experts say? That's a truth that we can draw on. A hundred percent.
Yes. It can be, that can be very comforting. And again, knowledge is power.
It sure is. So at the time this episode will be going live, we're going to be right in the middle of the holidays and the first holiday season without a loved one, without our fur baby, it's going to be hard. So what can you share with us again, drawing on that thought you just shared of knowledge is power.
What are some things that we can keep in mind this holiday season, if it is indeed our first holiday season without our fur baby? Yeah, that's such a great question. And it's super challenging.
And I always like to talk about the idea of the first, right? The first, maybe let's say week without our pet, the first month, the first Halloween, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas. There's something about the first that can feel even, it's always painful, right?
But the level of pain tends to be even more significant for most. So keeping that in mind, this is a really challenging time and you may not want to feel like celebrating. That's okay.
Now you may have children where you have to partake in some festive things, even if you don't feel like it. Right. And we also know that, I know that with your podcast, you focus on women and stress.
We know that the emotional labor with women in general tends to be higher. And then that's even more significant during the holidays. So you're running around, you have a lot to do.
When are you filling up your own cup? So I advise communicating openly with your family about what you mean and what you don't mean. We talked about that a little earlier that people can be well-intended, but not understand.
So communicating what you need. This is really hard for me. I'm going to need some time to myself.
And can you carve out some of that time? Set your boundaries. You don't have to go to every single event.
You might have to go to some, but you don't have to go to every single event. Getting really clear on what your boundaries are and how you can carve out some of that time for yourself. Let's say you're surrounded by family and maybe you could be the one that goes on a coffee run, right?
Or you go and get a walk-in, something like that. So I would also suggest trying to think about how can you honor your pet during the holiday season too? So if your pet was normally around the table with you, can you set out something that's a reminder, like a photo or maybe their ashes?
Again, only when you're ready. This is going to depend for each person what feels comfortable for you. Can you go around and talk about memories of your pet?
Can you do these things to where you're incorporating your pet who's no longer here in this physical realm? Can you still keep their memory alive and make sure that you have time for yourself? Yes.
That balance is so important. And I will share one way that I'm honoring my Maltese's memory this holiday season is last holiday season, which was indeed our final, the last together. We made some Christmas ornaments together of his little paw prints.
So those are going up on the tree. Oh, I love that so much. And then when you see those ornaments, you might feel some sadness, but how can we also bring in some joy, right?
So remembering those positive memories and holding space for both, right? Absolutely. Both and.
Yeah.
I love it. I love it.
As we wind down here, I really want to highlight what people hear at the end of these episodes that sometimes self-help isn't enough. So what could you share with our listeners? Things to look out for where maybe they want to look at something in addition to self-care, self-help when it comes to pet grief and loss.
Yeah, that's a great question. I think that with self-help, it has such an important component in our healing. And if you're finding yourself feeling worse for a long period of time or not feeling better after a period of time, even a little bit, if you have maybe some unresolved trauma that this traumatic event is kind of causing you some symptoms, you're feeling a little bit worse psychologically or physically or emotionally, those can all be signs to consider seeking professional support as well.
I always like to recommend to individuals that if you are receiving individual therapy, you can also do support groups, do self-help groups. So then you're pulling from multiple different modalities to really be integrative for you. If somebody was interested in following what you just mentioned there, that maybe in addition to therapy, a support group might also be helpful.
What do people typically experience with support groups? How do they typically operate? I love that.
So support groups, typically, not always, but they're typically run by peers and not by professionals. Now they might be run by professionals, but in many cases, not. Unlike with individual therapy or group therapy, you're going to be with a licensed clinician.
Support groups may or may not be run by a clinician. And support groups are more general. So if you're looking to get into more specifics of what's going on with you, what it might be re-emerging from your past, things like that, that's where individual therapy would be most helpful.
Whereas a support group, oftentimes there's a topic and then everyone's sharing what's going on with them, seeking support from one another. So it can be a really helpful way to really delve into some of that psychoeducation that we talked about earlier and getting support from people who are also going through the same exact thing. Yeah.
It really helps to know you're not alone, right? Other people are going through similar experiences following the loss of a beloved for a baby. Exactly.
Yes. And I appreciate you highlighting what to look for when maybe self-help isn't enough. Definitely.
Yeah.
And I would suggest for anyone who's thinking about reaching out for therapy and even if, well, I'll say this, even if you don't have those things and you're just feeling kind of sad, you think talking with someone who gets it, a clinician, that's great as well. But I would strongly suggest that you make sure you find someone who does specialize in grief. Most clinicians offer a free consultation, not all, but most do, 10, 15-minute consultation.
And I would suggest asking, saying, this is what I'm struggling with. Is this something you feel you can help me with? Absolutely.
And what would you recommend people listen for in terms of, all right, is it really something they specialize in or maybe something they have some experience with? What would you want to look for in terms of true specialization and expertise like you have? I would suggest looking for someone who is licensed at whatever level they're licensed at.
There are a lot of coaches who do grief work and there's a great place for that type of work. But if you're looking for therapy, you're going to want to look for someone who is a psychologist or someone who is a licensed master's level clinician. I would ask what kind of training they've received in grief work.
A lot of times us grief therapists need to seek out that postgraduate training. And so asking them what their credentials are and asking what kind of specialized training they've received in grief can be helpful. And what is also really important is how you feel with the person, right?
Because we're communicating words to words, but we also communicate nervous system to nervous system. So what that basically means is, do you feel like you vibe with this person? Now it's only a short time of consultation, but do you feel comfortable initially with this person?
Do you feel like this is somebody who you could open up to? So paying attention to your intuition and your gut is important as well while you're asking some of the questions regarding their clinical background. I love this.
And I want all our listeners to know that you have these rights. You have the right to ask about training. You have the right to ask about expertise.
And what Sierra mentioned here at the end, a lot of times, most of the time, it is going to come down to fit, right? The research in our field from psychology, time and time again, even though we have different strategies, techniques, modalities, time and time again, it comes down to the therapeutic alliance, which is really just a fancy word for what's the vibe you feel with your therapist. And if you aren't feeling the vibe with your therapist, not a whole lot else is going to matter.
So I really appreciate you highlighting that part too. Yes, definitely. And you said it really eloquently pointing out, yeah, it's that relationship that, that trumps, that trumps all for what we're seeing with the research.
So absolutely.
Yeah.
And I want to just do a little PSA here as well, that if you are out here looking for a therapist for anything and you get pushback from a potential therapist who doesn't want to answer questions about their training and background, that's kind of a red flag to me. I think most well-meaning therapists will be so happy to answer those questions for you. And even if they don't offer 15 minute, half hour complimentary consultations, a quick phone call, an email exchange is still reasonable to get those questions answered.
Yes, absolutely. And do you offer consultations, Sierra? I do.
I am currently accepting new clients. I do offer a complimentary 15 minute consultation just to see the fit, talk about what questions the potential client has. I have a few questions I ask as well.
And then if we both feel that we are potentially a good fit, then we can talk about the next steps and logistics. Yeah. So I'll just use this opportunity to ask you if people are really resonating with you and they're looking for a therapist to help them with pet grief and loss, where could our listeners go to find you?
The best place to find me is my website, which is Dr. Sierra trainer. It's Dr. Dr. Sierra trainer.com. You can find out a little bit about me.
You can send me a message. My phone number is there. So you can also call me and we can go from there.
Super helpful. So I will be sure to have a link directly to your website in the show notes. So people can just click it if they're interested in learning more about you.
And would also be cool if I shared your Instagram with our listeners, Sierra. Yes, absolutely. Now my new year's resolution coming up is to be a little more active on my Instagram, but I do have a few things there.
So yes, you could absolutely include that.
Good.
Great. I'll put that in the show notes too. And the reason why I'm asking is because sometimes we want to continue learning from somebody, but we're not really needing therapy, but we really vibe with the person.
So I want to make sure that we have your Instagram out there for people too. And I have found a lot of helpful reels and stories that you've posted while I was, you know, really in the more intense phases of my grief and loss. I found a lot of what you posted to be super helpful.
So I'd want our listeners to get access to that as well. Sierra, I cannot thank you enough for being the very first guest on the PsycHope Self-Help Podcast and sharing your wisdom and your compassion with our listeners. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely.
Thank you as well. And it's been such an honor to be here. The information shared on the PsycHope Self-Help Podcast is done so with the understanding that it does not constitute professional help, nor is it a substitute for professional help.
If you think you might benefit from more than self-help, there are resources listed in the show notes.
Show Notes
Episode 35, originally published on December 13, 2023
If you are interested in learning more about Dr. Sierra Trainor, you can visit her website, drsierratrainor.com, or follow her on Instagram: @dr_trainor
Disclaimer
The information shared on the PsycHope Self-Help podcast does not constitute professional help nor is it a substitute for professional help. If you think you might benefit from more than self-help, here are some helpful resources:
Find a therapist:
Psychology Today, directory for locating a psychotherapist. More details here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/
Mental health crisis resources:
Suicide Prevention Hotline: call or text 988
Crisis text line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor for any emotional crisis
